Review: Angels Fall

Angels Fall by Nora Roberts
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I really enjoy Nora Roberts' romance - the key element for me is not necessarily the romance, but rather the growth and success of the female main character. Although I read this book quickly, it's quite a page-turner!, it was hard to read.
*SPOILERS*



This book focuses on a woman who has been traumatized by a violent crime and then is psychologically tortured throughout the book. It was pretty horrible to read about what she went through - and with very little support except from a hunky love interest. Something I usually love about Roberts' books are the relationships between the female characters - there was very little here to work with. She has some support from coworkers and a grandmother she contacts by email (but we never hear from the grandmother herself). The other key woman in the book is a murdered sex worker who is drawn in a way that is disturbingly close to blaming the woman for her own murder. I'm so disappointed.

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My Miscarriage (Part Two)

On September 11th, after an early Monday morning blood test, the nurse called me and said my hCG levels were going back up. 

She asked me come back to the clinic the next day to take another blood test and do an ultrasound. We came in on the morning of September 12 and the doctors noticed a cyst in my ovary that was so large that the doctor thought it was my bladder, full to brimming. They told us to sit in the waiting room while they consulted. When a nurse came out and asked me if I’d had anything to eat that day, I began worrying. She explained that I might need emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy.

This is what I had feared most when the nurse first mentioned a biochemical pregnancy back what felt like eons before.  An ectopic pregnancy - where the egg and sperm meet and create a fetus that implants somewhere outside of the warm, nurturing home of the uterus.  An ectopic pregnancy that can cause fallopian tube rupture, internal bleeding, death.

They took me to another specialist for an ultrasound - the specialist worked within the pre-natal ward so I walked past women with beautiful round bellies proud and happy and not facing the fear and grief that I was. 

I was actually pretty cheerful about it - joking about looking forward to coming back to this floor when it was my turn. 

Although they were pretty certain that the large cyst was not the fetus, simply because it existed, it was a contraindication to administer methotrexate. They also still couldn’t locate where the pregnancy had implanted, despite multiple ultrasounds. So the lead doctor suggested a dilation and curettage procedure to empty my uterus in the hope that it would flush out the remaining HCG and any fetal cells that had been produced as part of the inviable pregnancy. At this point, it was certain that I did not have a viable pregnancy but uncertain whether I had an ectopic pregnancy. 

I felt so well taken care of, K at my side, three different doctors consulting me and doing procedures. I woke up from the short procedure feeling fine and hopeful and looking forward to the next try.

We came back in the next morning for blood test.  By noon, the results had come in - my hCG levels were just as high as the day before. The fetal cells were definitely still growing and they weren’t in my newly emptied uterus.

I hadn’t had a miscarriage, I had an ectopic pregnancy.

They scheduled an emergency laparoscopic surgery to find and remove the ectopic pregnancy the next day.  Rather than the small clinic, K and I headed over to the large hospital down the street and a brand new set of nurses. As I stripped down and put on the surprisingly soft multiple hospital gowns (one tied in the front, one tied in the back), the hospital nurse asked me to take a pregnancy test to assure them that I was not pregnant.  I looked at her surprised and said, “But I am pregnant - that’s why I need this surgery. That test will come up positive. It’s an ectopic pregnancy.”

I was surprised and frustrated to have to explain it. How could I be the one explaining the purpose of the surgery? Tears sprung to my eyes but I took the test.

When I had the chance to meet my surgeon, I felt much better. She was calm and intelligent and took a lot of time making sure that I knew what the procedure was - a laparoscopy with possible salpingostomy. Basically, sending a tiny camera into the uterus and fallopian tubes to look around, identify, and remove the ectopic pregnancy, possibly through an incision in the fallopian tube.

It was scary, but so were the stories I had found online about women who had bizarre shoulder pain that turned out to be due to a burst fallopian tube. 

I hoped that doing the surgery would allow my body to recover quickly so we could try again quickly.

I woke up dizzy, in pain, nauseated, and alone. I was miserable. My happy wake up from two days earlier was a distant memory. 

The recovery nurse came over to me and said that they weren’t able to locate the ectopic pregnancy so she was to give me a shot of the methotrexate. She asked me to roll on my side so she could put the injection in my hip.

I burst out crying. Surgery and still they didn’t find the ectopic? I complied with the nurse but inside I crumbled. I knew that the methotrexate shot meant that we couldn’t try another IUI for three months while the chemicals made their way through my system.

I was devastated and felt terribly sick. K finally arrived in my room after what felt like days and I burst into tears immediately upon seeing her. They wouldn’t let her stay very long as I drifted in and out of sleep so I woke alone again and tried sipping some ginger ale. (As a final humiliation on the way out, I vomited that ginger ale into a drain in the parking lot.)

Review: The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant

The Impatient Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant by Jean M. Twenge
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

After six months of trying to get pregnant using IUI, I decided to do some more reading and learning about fertility. This book is short and easy to read and I would happily recommend it. My spouse and I are both female so a lot of the recommendations in this book aren't directly relevant because they are about how to time sex for best fertility. That said, I did appreciate Twenge's aggregation of the various studies and books on fertility and their very varied usefulness/relevance to modern women. I'm 35, so I'm on "the edge" of fertility - except that apparently that statistic was based on rural French women in the 1700s!!! (Who probably already had multiple children and therefore were probably not trying to get pregnant.) As someone who also experienced a miscarriage, I particularly liked her chapter on her own experience of miscarriage and exploration of how a miscarriage changes the whole game - a positive pregnancy test no longer elicits jumps of joy, just a wary "okay" in her book. As a result of the book, I've gotten serious about limiting my caffeine and started charting my temperature in order to keep myself more informed, even though our fertility clinic also does regular monitoring. It's at least been a method to keep myself distracted and feeling like I'm doing something positive to help us along on this TTC journey.

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My miscarriage (Part One)

We got pregnant on our very first try. It was statistically improbable, if not impossible.  Our very first IUI or “squirt”, as I called it, was two days before our wedding and all through the week-long honeymoon driving up the Pacific Coast Highway from southern to northern California, my wife and I would be seized by the possibility and catch each others’ eyes. “Do you think we’re pregnant?”

Every sign of tiredness, crankiness, cravings for food - everything we’d normally be annoyed by - transformed into a sign of possibility. 

We couldn’t wait to pick up a pregnancy test and give it a shot. I've never been so excited to pee. Even with all of the distraction of our wedding and honeymoon that #twoweekwait felt so long that I eventually gave in and tested a day before my period was supposed to start. It came up negative but we still had hope.

Then I got my period. So we cried a little, let our anxiously excited parents know the disappointment, and set up our next fertility clinic visit on August 15. No big deal - we didn’t really think we’d be so lucky to get pregnant on the first try.

At the clinic, I did the blood test and ultrasound to get my “baseline” and waited for a call from the nurse about when to come back in. When I did get the call, the nurse asked if I could talk for a few minutes.  

She explained that my blood work had come back showing that I had HCG levels - (HCG or human chorionic gonadotropin is a hormone produced by the placenta after implantation)  - it meant that I was pregnant.  She explained that since I had had my period, it was probably just what they call a “biochemical pregnancy” which meant that although sperm and egg met, it was not a viable pregnancy so my body would release it. She asked me to come back two days later.

Two days (August 17) and another needle prick later, I got a call from the nurse again - “You are definitely pregnant - your HCG levels doubled, which is what we expect over two days at the beginning of a pregnancy. Congratulations!”

I was elated - I texted K, unsure if she could get away for a call right then.  We spent the day sending hearts and rainbow flags and baby icons to one another. That weekend, we took a “5 week bump” picture and sent it around to our immediate family.

so hopeful

On Monday, August 21, we went back in for another round of bloodwork and an ultrasound to check on implantation. I got a call around noon, as expected.  But when I heard the voice of the doctor instead of the nurse my stomach sunk. I quickly got out of my little cube and went outside so our conversation wouldn’t be overheard.

“Your HCG levels have gone down, your pregnancy has miscarried.”

“I figured that since it was you calling, it was probably bad news.  What happens next?”

“Well, we’d like you to come in next week and we will follow the HCG levels as they go down. Once they get to zero, we can start the process of monitoring and IUI again.”

I couldn’t help crying. The rollercoaster of emotions - getting my period, being told I was kindofmaybenotreally pregnant, then hooray yay pregnant, then not. I sat outside work, looking at the trees, the Russian embassy, the Kennedy Center, and I cried.

I called K and we cried.

We went back in - August 28 levels stayed the same

September 4 levels stayed the same

My veins were tired of pricks and people at work were starting to ask me about my bruised inner elbows.

I started getting worried if we would ever be able to try again so I turned to the internet - I looked up topics on babycenter, mayo clinic, all the websites I could think of.  Many women said they’d experienced the same after a miscarriage. Waiting around many weeks for levels to bottom back out. Waiting to be able to try again.

On September 11 my HCG levels were up.

 (to be continued)

New Year's Resolutions

It's so cliche, but as K can attest, I am someone who loves setting goals. Last month when we went to see The Secret Garden - a lush production full of gorgeous voices and overflowing with personal nostalgia - I declared smilingly that "We should set a goal to attend a play or concert every month." K groaned, good-naturedly, and reminded me that I always do that. It's true - I find something I life and try to set a goal to add it into my life more often!

So in the officially-sanctioned season of resolutions, I am in my element. I revel in it. I try to think hard and carefully before making the commitment, but couldn't stop myself from spewing out goals and breaking them down into SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound) objectives.  Okay, I didn't go that far. But that just makes me more ambitious for next year!

As part of my accountability, here they are:

Contribute to my community

• Educate myself on issues that people of color face and amplify their voices and perspectives
• When I hear racist/sexist/homophobic/ableist and other unacceptable language, I will speak up whenever I am safe to do so
• Participate in at least one march or rally about a cause that is important to me
• Engage with people who voted differently than me in order to exchange ideas, build empathy, and find common ground
• Practice ways to recharge, stay safe, and take care of myself and make a list of what works best for me

Music

• Play the piano once/week minimum and memorize at least two entire pieces
• Join a choir
• Listen to a new music playlist or a new album once/week
• Listen to the weekly classical playlist on Spotify

Art and Culture

• Attend at least 10 plays or concerts in 2017
• Attend the State of the Arts concerts whenever possible
• Take more photos - and - extra credit - take a photography class (yes, I’m giving myself the chance for extra credit here!)

Professional Development

• Attend at least three lectures/discussions about work topics per month to gain fresh perspectives and meet people working on the same issues
• Meet with someone outside of my office at least once a week to build networks and learn about different ways we are all contributing to solving problems
• Travel to Morocco and Algeria at least once this year
• Take refresher Arabic lessons and practice/study for at least two hours/week outside of lessons

Read more books

• Goal is 25
• Choose fiction books written by people of color or women 
• Non fiction books on five topics - Middle East/North Africa, New Zealand, Marriage/Relationships, Having a Baby, and Race/Class divisions in America  - make a concerted effort to choose books that are written by people from diverse points of view (not just white native-English-speaking men)
• Read one book in French

Fitness and Weight Loss

• Take off 20 pounds
• Reduce body fat percentage 
• Increase body water percentage 
• Track every day, even if it’s just one meal. Try to stay under 40, ideally maximum 37/day
• Walk a minimum of 10,000 steps on work days and 7,000 on non-work days
• Work out a minimum of 30 minutes 5 times a week

Money money money

I've been listening to a great podcast called Death, Sex, and Money recently and it's inspired me to both think about and talk about these topics more. They are so integral to our lives and yet so taboo!

Today's blog is about financial integration!

Hooray for home ownership!

Okay, I'm not really a homeowner, but my partner is and I'm doing everything I can to share those responsibilities.
We agreed that since K put in the downpayment on the loan, I would make an equal contribution and be added to the deed and loan. So I am purchasing the furniture and then will make a payment on the loan capital equal to K's downpayment minus said furniture.
I really like having such open financial discussions - it helps us both feel positive and clear on our mutual and individual responsibilities. I highly recommend a frank, regular money chat with your partner (or boo as some people prefer).

This podcast, Death, Sex, and Money is produced by WNYC Studios and hosted by Anna Sale and covers the "big questions and hard choices that are often left out of polite conversation." Every episode is beautiful and tough and touching and leaves me feeling both a little awkward and relieved at the topics covered.
It's definitely been a learning process. I never tried to consolidate finances with a partner before. It feels like a huge step - a big commitment to one another. K was worried about taking on my student loans; I was worried about her different spending habits.

Once we talked about it, we found some easy and effective solutions. Because I had the chance to save up while I was in Beirut, I was happy to keep my student loans to myself and not lump them into family debt. And to deal with spending habits, we agreed to create a joint account for the house, food, bills, and vacations, then individual accounts for our personal spending - makeup, clothing, gifts, computers, snowboarding equipment, books, etc.
We haven't implemented the plan yet - I've only gotten one paycheck so far so starting up a joint account didn't make sense yet! But I know that with the dialogue we've already started; we are in a great place to set ourselves up for 2017.

In fact, just last night I made a big move and paid off one of my student loans! Only one to go now :)

I'm back!

I was not successful with my goal to post every day in November but I did learn a lot.

1. I discovered that I have something to write about every day.

I thought that this was going to be the hardest part - finding a topic to talk about every day. But in fact, and especially with the low minimum word count, I found that I didn't get to the pre-planned topics. Instead, I wrote about what had happened during my day, things that I was thinking about, news, etc. I was surprised by the fun and discovery of my every day life and delighted that I had thoughts to share about it.

2. I realized that I really need to take more time editing before I post.

This was partly a side-effect of the low bar I set when I decided to blog every day. My minimum word count meant that as soon as I met that count, I felt finished. Even if I was in the middle of a thought or hadn't carefully explained the experience or story. When I re-read some of the posts I was disappointed in their abrupt endings, poor layout, and bad readability

3. I decided that blogging every day is unnecessary.

I'm not trying to sell something to you. In fact, the number of daily emails that I get from sellers makes me quite certain that sending content *new* *you've got to see this* *everyone on your block has one, why don't you* every single day doesn't actually work from a marketing point of view. Plus, if you're a subscriber, you don't really want to see my blog popping up in your email every day - we all have email overload. Consistency but not overkill is what I'd like to have.

4. I need to set a specific time of day to write.

Too often, I would get to the end of the day and realize that I hadn't written anything; hadn't even thought about a topic. This stressed me out at the end of the day and ultimately reduced the quality of writing too.

5. I would like to spend more time on the aesthetic of my blog.

I focused just on the content and didn't create a look for the blog. Most of the 'also read' blogs are years out of date. Just in general, I need to update what the blog looks like and links to in order to make it a happy place with fun and interesting ideas to explore.


So I've decided:

I'd like to set a new goal of updating once per week, I'm aiming for Tuesdays. I'm keeping the word minimum to 200, but with a goal of at least 500.  I don't have many subscribers just yet, but hopefully once I'm consistent, I will find like-minded people who are interested in what I'm saying.

In truth though, I think what I really want out of this blog is a record and a memory of the beauty and fascination of life and all the amazing things I get to experience.  I'd like to be able to look back and find joy in memories made clearer because I put the time into writing about them.

Listening to: Best of Star Wars playlist on Spotify
Feeling ⛸⛸⛸ - This freezing rain makes me ice skate on my back porch!

Rabbit rabbit rabbit

Happy December 1st!

Can't believe it's already December.
My big news is that I started my new job on Monday!!!

I will be coordinating, monitoring, and doing strategic planning for assistance programs in Morocco and Algeria.
I am so excited and happy about the opportunity. The team is great, the work is interesting, and I feel that as soon as I get my feet under me, I'll be able to make a solid contribution.

In the mean time, I'm reading and listening and having meetings and asking questions.

Also, I'm doing all the important mundane tasks like adjusting my desk chair so that it doesn't tip me backwards when I sit down in it. I'm setting up hanging files to keep the reference documents I'd like to have a hard copy of. I'm running around getting badges and computer logins.

Ahhhh.

It feels so nice to have a job again.
Don't get me wrong - I know that at some point I will be tired of being in the office and wish for a vacation - but for now, it is great to have somewhere to be everyday. To get out of the house for a purpose, not just a whim. Doing 10,000 steps a day is a breeze when I'm working. When I was at home, sometimes getting 5,000 steps was a struggle! (Alphabetizing the spice drawer just doesn't require walking around very much)

having a hard time doing once a day!

Having a hard time recently keeping up with the once a day posts that I promised. It will be a relief to go to once a week starting in December.
I'm planning to do updates on Tuesdays - fresh from the weekend, but enough time to write up on Monday and edit on Tuesday. One thing that has definitely been lacking in this once-a-day stream of consciousness writing has been any kind of editing.

I usually write it once, spellcheck it, and post it immediately.
It's quick, relatively painless, and often ends up being pointless.

I found that I stopped right at the 200 word mark and didn't finish a complete thought, didn't take the time to fully explain or explore the topic that I introduced.

Hopefully going with a weekly post at 500 word minimum will help a lot with that particular phenomenon.

One thing that was interesting and I didn't expect is just how much I have to talk about!

There's always something interesting, or at least interesting to me - it may not be my own life, but perhaps a news story or a new podcast that I've gotten into. In fact, it has sometimes been difficult to choose one thing to write about!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving - and that's really exciting in so many ways :) gobble gobble

Flu shot

I got a flu shot today!

That's about the most exciting thing in my whole day. I've been feeling a bit down and low energy and couldn't even get myself outside for a run. The cold certainly contributed, but it's still a little worrying.

Another thing I did today was buy a new pair of jeans, in a size larger than I'm currently wearing. I just need to realize that I am too big for my britches. haha. I will be very glad to have them but the process of buying them was put off, delayed, and painful because I've been trying to take weight off so I can get a size smaller, not larger.

It's days like today that I have to remind myself, sometimes verbally and out loud that I need to treat myself and speak to myself in the same way that I speak to my best friends and my sisters. This inner monologue that only finds fault and lack is mean. I would never be so mean to anyone I called a friend; there is no need to be mean to myself. Taking the words out of my head and into a new context really helps. I can look at the words from an outside perspective and recognize their negative impact. And then consciously make the choice to use other words.

I learned some of this from my therapist and realize how wonderful and life-giving it was to have someone actually be that external voice to give me perspective and tools.

It doesn't always work, and when it does, it doesn't always stick. But if I'm going to hold others accountable for being kind, using appropriate vocabulary, promoting those who are vulnerable, then I certainly need to hold myself accountable.

musing about theatre

Back in DC!

It was a beautiful whirlwind of a trip to California. I was so happy to be able to see two of my siblings perform - one at his music residency, and one in a college production. In fact, C had the opportunity to play a much bigger part than she originally had because her friend fell ill and wasn't able to perform this week. So C stepped in at the last minute to learn the lines and blocking.

She did a wonderful job with an interesting part in a totally bizarre and thought-provoking piece of theatre called Mr. Burns, a Post-Electric Play

***spoiler alert***

If you are not familiar with the show and would rather not know the details before seeing it, you should probably skip this entry.



Wikipedia does a commendable job of summarizing the play in a comprehensible way:
"Shortly after an unspecified apocalyptic event, a group of survivors gather together and begin to attempt to recount the episode "Cape Feare" of the television show The Simpsons. The second act picks up with the same group seven years later, who have now formed a theatrical troupe that specializes in performing Simpsons episodes, with commercials and all. The final act is set an additional 75 years in the future. The same episode of The Simpsons, now a familiar mythos, has been reworked into a musical pageant, with the story, characters, and morals repurposed to fit the artistic and dramatic needs of a culture still reeling from destruction of civilization and the near-extinction of humanity decades earlier."


I found the production itself occasionally hard to watch and follow. Partly because a large part of the dialogue was written out verbatim from an improvised exercise where actors tried to recount the Cape Feare episode. It involves a lot of thinking patterns that are inherent to speech but don't necessarily translate as well when put into another actor's mouth and then performed on stage.

That said, the themes that the play explores - loss, loneliness, entertainment, how we find meaning when the things that we rely on daily are gone - are profound and disturbing. At its best, I would say that this production explores the importance of narrative. As one reviewer of a Chicago production said, the play "tells us that the worse things get, the more we need our stories." And not just the stories, but the pieces that surround and enhance our stories - like music, and even commercials. 

Being LGBTQ at Notre Dame

I participated in a positive art project to support LGBTQ young people today. If you are in L.A. and would be interested in learning more and getting involved - comment, message, or email me and I'll get you in contact.

I'm being deliberately vague about the project in order to protect the creativity and intellectual property of this idea and I don't want to jump ahead of the launch!

Doing the project made me think about my experience when I first came out as a young LGBTQ person. I was at Notre Dame, an excellent school. Great academics, strong student focus, but also a pervasive macho culture and very conservative social values.

The editor of the alumni magazine asked me to write about my experience as an LGBTQ student at Notre Dame. It was scary - trying to represent a huge diversity of experience with just my own voice - and to do so in a format that would reach an audience that was potentially very hostile.

The writing process itself was very cathartic as I had the chance to look back and reflect on the experiences that shaped my coming out. (I'd also like to say that my article is very rambling and not great writing, so forgive my 21-year-old self if you choose to read it!)

The response...

Well, it was as expected.
Alumni wrote in saying that I should never have been admitted to the university. That I should choose celibacy. That they were withdrawing all financial support to the university because it chose to admit me and feature my story.*

On the other hand, the issue, which included several articles about LGBTQ concerns, received a first place gold medal award from the Council for Advancement and Support of Education for its special issue.

I believe that my four years at Notre Dame, a conservative midwestern college, made me into the LGBTQ feminist activist that I am. Being forced to define and defend my identity shaped my values and priorities. It led me to choose education and a career path where I could provide support for people seeking recognition and justice.

I hope that the four years in the Trump administration will serve as a similar catalyst for activists, youthful or experienced, to take up their values and push for them. It won't be easy, many people will push back, but let's take this as a wake up call.


*When I went back to the comments section in order add a link to this blog post, I was genuinely surprised by the number of positive comments I found. I had forgotten about the positive and affirming comments and only retained the negative ones. I am so glad that I looked up the comment feed again. There are still many comments that are frightening (for example, the Navy man who was "lost at sea" after aberrant homosexual behavior) but they do seem more balanced than I'd originally felt.

my brother the resident artist

Last night I finally got the chance to see my brother perform at the Vampire Lounge, where he is the resident artist on Wednesday nights. He and a friend with a cello entertain the crowds sipping the "blood of the vine" from about 9pm to 11pm.

M, that's my brother, is a very talented musician. And just like Malcolm Gladwell suggests, he's put in those 10,000 to get where he is now. He not only sings, plays guitar, bass, piano, and drums, but also has taught himself to produce, mix, and edit the music he creates. It's so impressive how dedication and sheer time put in can yield such wonderful rewards.

Last night he brought along two guitars, a ukelele, and a keyboard. My favorite songs were his collaborations with the cellist. With the anchoring notes from the cello counterbalancing M's tenor voice, the sound flowed over us fluidly and was mesmerizing. I can see why a vampire-themed bar would love to have his music fill the space.

It also made me think about my own music and how I miss making it. I've decided to try to join the choir at the UU church and see where I go from there.

Plus... we're going to make a Lindgren family holiday album ... coming soon to a soundcloud near you.

To hear some of M's music that he plays at the Vampire Lounge, check out this youtube playlist, and this live recording , and this one that includes both ukelele and cello!

Making music in California

I'm in California!

I booked a last minute trip out to California since I'm only funemployed for another 2 weeks and probably won't make it out here again until May for my sister's graduation.

As my Dad and I talked while we were waiting for my bag to show up I realized it has been nearly two years since I've been to California! The last time I was here was for Christmas 2014. I've seen my family in the interim - at cousin's weddings, packing up my house, and in Paris, of course.

But I hadn't actually been back to the house where I grew up in 23 months. It still feels like home :)
I love the wooden porch facing the park, the lovely wood floors, the walls filled with art and photographs. Even the smell of the linen closet is the same.

Best of all, I had the chance to hang out with B and M all day and we decided to lay down some tracks for Christmas songs! I learned a piano riff for Rockin' around the Christmas Tree and we've got that recorded. And tonight I'm off to the Vampire Lounge to see M play - he's the resident artist on Wednesday nights.

Why I'm wearing a safety pin

In the wake of the vote in favor of the United kingdom leaving the European Union (infamously known as Brexit), many of my friends in Scotland began wearing safety pins visibly on their tops. Their safety pin was a symbol of solidarity with immigrants who faced a terrifying wave of vocal discrimination after the vote. Some people took the vote as justification, validation of their feelings that immigrants didn't /don't belong in the U.K. and therefore they felt safe making their xenophobic feelings vocal, visible and even physical. The idea behind wearing the safety pin now is that I pledge to stand up for people being targeted by racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic words and acts. Especially in the wake of the election of Donald Trump as the American President given his divisive and deplorable rhetoric. I appreciate the importance of a visible symbol and hope that seeing this symbol will give comfort to people being targeted. More importantly and more likely I hope that wearing the safety pin will start conversations and give me the opportunity to inspire other people to also stand up and take action against intolerance. I have read several articles written by both people of color and white people about the insufficiency of wearing a safety pin. I agree completely, and encourage you to read those opinions as well.

Ijeoma Oluo makes a real and important criticism of choosing a symbolic act rather than actual action in her article.
"All that energy that I had hoped would go toward real-life action in support of marginalized populations who have been fighting this system alone for far too long was diverted to a symbol that most people wouldn’t even notice."

Christopher Keelty offers ideas and challenges people to find more productive ways to show solidarity than just putting on a safety pin in his piece
"We aren’t going to congratulate ourselves on it, we’re not going to wear some stupid symbolic badge that says “Hey, I’m a good white person” so other white people will congratulate us on how woke we are. "

I will continue to wear a safety pin as a symbol but I will not let it replace the actual work that I have committed to. My safety pin means nothing if I do not call people out on intolerant acts and statements.
If I see someone being targeted, I will step in.
If I hear a racial slur, I will speak up.
I will actively increase the number of voices of people of color that I regularly listen to - I will seek out blogs and twitter accounts that offer me new perspectives.
I will question myself on my actions and not just my intentions and take criticism with an open heart.

Supermoon and contemplating order out of chaos

Prompt:
Journey of the Universe describes the evolution and unfolding of life on Earth as being “nested” in the larger processes that preceded and accompanied it. Trace the formation of the human back through Earth processes. How does this shape your understanding of the human story?


One of the things that most captured my attention and surprise in this week's readings and videos was the creation of the moon. They described how the moon was created because of the collision of a Mars-sized body into the Earth. Being molten, the Earth absorbed the vast majority of the body but a ring of lava formed around the Earth. This ring eventually cooled into a ball that we now call the moon.

And now, the Earth and life on earth is so dependent on the moon. Its influence on our oceans and bodies of water create a mutable edge between dry and wet, between sea life and land life. The moon reminds us of how much change can exist even in stability.

When I lived in Togo, the moon was a much more important part of my life. I lived in a village with no electricity - the silver light of the full moon meant that I could go enjoy the night market in the center of the village without worrying about stumbling home. It extended the day for those three days every month, giving us more work, play, study time before sleep.

Tonight is a supermoon. The moon orbits the Earth in an oval pattern which means that sometimes, the moon is carried much closer to the Earth than we are used to. A supermoon occurs when a full moon coincides with that close orbit. It means that to our eyes, the moon looks 30% bigger than it normally does. It's pretty magical. I remember one supermoon in high school that was so bright and gorgeous that my friends and I laid out in a grassy field just watching it for hours. (If you are in the Americas, you should look for the supermoon tonight)

I think that the formation of the human is fascinating to consider in the process of the formation of the moon. The destruction of the colliding "planetisimals" was the spark for the creation of the moon. There was no plan, but there was opportunity. It is similar for the creation of humans. There was no plan to create humans, but there was opportunity. Out of the chaos emerged patterns. In difficult circumstances, some life forms thrived and others did not. Eventually, the patterns brought forth humans.

Artomatic 2016

Today K and I had a delightful suburban adventure. We decided to go out to an art festival called Artomatic. It's an annual festival that runs on the weekends through November into early December. It seems to be a place where anyone can display their art - in fact we saw at least two exhibition panels with art from local middle schools!

But before I get ahead of myself - on our way out of town, we realized we were too hungry to wait until we arrived at Park Potomac so I did a quick scan of restaurants along our route (there's this new feature on Google maps that is awesome) - and we chose to stop at Mrs. K's Restaurant and Barrel Bar. It is an adorable stone house that used to be a tollhouse in Montgomery County, Maryland. It was converted to Mrs. K's Tollhouse Restaurant in 1930. In fact, hanging in the lobby is a newpaper article from 1941 praising the colonial dress of the wait staff and delicious food :)

Our waiter did not wear colonial dress, but had a lovely little blue bowtie. The food, however, certainly lives up to the reputation. We had the Saturday two-course brunch - we both chose the Maryland crab soup for appetizer and I had succulent and spicy shrimp and andouille sausage with grits as my main course. It was such a delightful indulgence and set us up well on our path to the art fair.

K and I have been thinking about art for our home but had not yet picked out anything together, so this was our first opportunity. We discussed a couple of ideas - nothing too figurative, prefer colors that will match/enhance the color scheme of white blue and tan in our living room, etc.

Instead, we bought a gorgeous rainbow cityscape by Jay Yirenkyi!!!!

When we turned the corner and saw the piece, we both gasped. We knew instantly that it was the right piece for us and immediately emailed the artist. But then we pushed ourselves to continue walking around and look at the rest of the show. We took our time and sat down to discuss whether we were ready to make the investment and ultimately, made that choice and went to paypal! We won't get the piece until after the show closes in December but in the meantime, we met an artist named Cheryl Ann Bearrs who was so enthusiastic and warm that we were inspired to pick up a couple of her beautiful abstract pieces for our dining room.

There were a lot of beautiful pieces throughout the Artomatic - and because the show is uncurated, there is a huge variety of art, style, personality. If you're in the DC/Maryland area - go check it out!

 

Happy Veteran's Day

Today is a very special day. It's an opportunity to say thank you and recognize the sacrifice, honor, and service of the veterans of armed forces. I personally have at least six family members who have served or are currently serving in the armed forces. It has been a huge influence on me personally and on the way that I perceive patriotism and service to country.  I'd also like to recognize the wives and families of veterans. You make just as many sacrifices and earn as much honor in my opinion.

Thank you for your service.

I have also served at an Embassy - and let me just give a quick Happy Birthday! to the Marine Corps - and worked with defense attaches and Marine security guards. Their professionalism, motivation, and job knowledge has always impressed me. I had the opportunity to help the MSGs at Embassy Beirut settle into the community by getting them out to meet youth, serve as real-life examples of Americans to the high school and middle school students that I worked with through our education and sports programs. Their diversity, loyalty and friendliness - not to mention their athletic ability - made a huge impression on the students. Some of these students are from areas in Lebanon where leaders are openly anti-America. This was the first chance to meet an American in person, not just see the hyperbole of reality television.

At the Independence Day celebration

Thank you for your service, not only protecting us but also reaching out and changing stereotypes.

Today is also an opportunity to seriously consider how we treat veterans of military service. It is an opportunity to consider how often we need to send men and women into danger. An opportunity to think about the consequences to the health, mental and physical, of war on entire generations of Americans.  And how much we invest to bring them back to health. It is so important to protect and defend the rights and recovery of those who have protected and defended us.

Writing for other purposes...

I've been working on a writing project all day today that's separate from the blog, so I'm going to go ahead and cross-post it. This is a preview of an article that I am writing for State Magazine about one of the Ambassador's Fund for Cultural Preservation grants that I managed while I was in Lebanon.

On a bright sunny day in October, I was surprised by a brisk wind as I stepped out of the car in the Jabal Moussa bioreserve. We walked along a pressed-dirt path to the start of the cultural trail and as I turned the corner, the valley opened up below me - gold dust, green leaves, white stone. It was almost dazzling under the direct sun and I had not even reached the first astonishing piece of cultural heritage along this ancient Roman Road in the middle of Lebanon, the small country located at the intersection of the Mediterranean sea routes and the Arabian Peninsula.

Jabal Moussa, roughly translated as Moses’ Mountain, and its surroundings were designated as a Biosphere Reserve by UNESCO in 2009 as part of the Man and Biosphere (MAB) program. In the Man and Biosphere program, Jabal Moussa protection combines human livelihood improvement and nature conservation by integrating natural sciences with education in social science and economics. The mountain has exceptionally rich biodiversity with at least 728 flora species, 25 mammal species, and more than 137 migratory and soaring bird species.  In 2012, the mountain was designated a Global Important Bird Area (IBA). And the valley of Nahr Ibrahim, also known as the Valley of Adonis, bordering Jabal Moussa to the North, is on the tentative list of the UNESCO World Heritage Sites. 

Jabal Moussa’s location and biodiversity meant that it was an important path and crossroads for ancient human civilizations. Jabal Moussa and the Valley of Adonis contain evidence of human history starting from the Middle Paleolithic. According to Dr. Myrna Semaan Haber, a Fulbright Scholar who studies biodiversity and conservation, “All civilization times are depicted in the valley allowing a complete sequence of human history.”  In 2015, Embassy Beirut was proud to grant funding from the Ambassador’s Fund for Cultural Preservation (AFCP) to the Association for the Protection of Jabal Moussa to preserve and protect important cultural heritage within the bioreserve. On that day in October, I toured the site to prepare for the Ambassador’s inauguration of the newly developed cultural trail as the final step in the grant.

So surprised

Last night was very hard. I went through all of the stages of grief multiple times.

I was so incredibly, jaw-droppingly, mind-overcomingly surprised.

That is a problem.

How could I have been so out of touch with what 50% of Americans were thinking?
Frankly, I was surprised that it was even close in the lead up to the election. I still believe that Donald J. Trump is the least deserving candidate that I have ever seen. He makes Paul Ryan and Ted Cruz look reasonable. Just the other day, I was watching the documentary about Hamilton and saw Paul Ryan's contribution and I was so impressed with his intelligence and articulate speech.

I mourned most of today. I spent the day alone in the house listening to Rage Against the Machine and puttering about cleaning the bathroom and taking out the trash. It was a way for me to take back some agency, clean up some mess.

I am not yet ready to gird my loins and get out and be an activist, but I'm doing some self-care in order to get there.

Part of what I'm going to do is educate myself. I want to understand what went into the choice to vote for Donald J. Trump. Was it about change? Was it about hating Hillary Clinton? Was it about hating President Obama? Was it really about absolutely loving Donald J. Trump and his policies? (I find the last one the hardest to believe because he had no clear and consistent policy standpoints - but that's from my perspective, maybe others perceived differently?)

I really appreciate Tim Urban's blog "It's Going to be Okay" on Wait But Why and I recommend that you read it. He has taken more energy and time to put his thoughts together on the why, how and what's next.