03 March 2018

My miscarriage (Part One)


We got pregnant on our very first try. It was statistically improbable, if not impossible.  Our very first IUI or “squirt”, as I called it, was two days before our wedding and all through the week-long honeymoon driving up the Pacific Coast Highway from southern to northern California, my wife and I would be seized by the possibility and catch each others’ eyes. “Do you think we’re pregnant?”

Every sign of tiredness, crankiness, cravings for food - everything we’d normally be annoyed by - transformed into a sign of possibility. 

We couldn’t wait to pick up a pregnancy test and give it a shot. I've never been so excited to pee. Even with all of the distraction of our wedding and honeymoon that #twoweekwait felt so long that I eventually gave in and tested a day before my period was supposed to start. It came up negative but we still had hope.

Then I got my period. So we cried a little, let our anxiously excited parents know the disappointment, and set up our next fertility clinic visit on August 15. No big deal - we didn’t really think we’d be so lucky to get pregnant on the first try.

At the clinic, I did the blood test and ultrasound to get my “baseline” and waited for a call from the nurse about when to come back in. When I did get the call, the nurse asked if I could talk for a few minutes.  

She explained that my blood work had come back showing that I had HCG levels - (HCG or human chorionic gonadotropin is a hormone produced by the placenta after implantation)  - it meant that I was pregnant.  She explained that since I had had my period, it was probably just what they call a “biochemical pregnancy” which meant that although sperm and egg met, it was not a viable pregnancy so my body would release it. She asked me to come back two days later.

Two days (August 17) and another needle prick later, I got a call from the nurse again - “You are definitely pregnant - your HCG levels doubled, which is what we expect over two days at the beginning of a pregnancy. Congratulations!”

I was elated - I texted K, unsure if she could get away for a call right then.  We spent the day sending hearts and rainbow flags and baby icons to one another. That weekend, we took a “5 week bump” picture and sent it around to our immediate family.

so hopeful


On Monday, August 21, we went back in for another round of bloodwork and an ultrasound to check on implantation. I got a call around noon, as expected.  But when I heard the voice of the doctor instead of the nurse my stomach sunk. I quickly got out of my little cube and went outside so our conversation wouldn’t be overheard.

“Your HCG levels have gone down, your pregnancy has miscarried.”
“I figured that since it was you calling, it was probably bad news.  What happens next?”
“Well, we’d like you to come in next week and we will follow the HCG levels as they go down. Once they get to zero, we can start the process of monitoring and IUI again.”

I couldn’t help crying. The rollercoaster of emotions - getting my period, being told I was kindofmaybenotreally pregnant, then hooray yay pregnant, then not. I sat outside work, looking at the trees, the Russian embassy, the Kennedy Center, and I cried.

I called K and we cried.

We went back in - August 28 levels stayed the same
September 4 levels stayed the same
My veins were tired of pricks and people at work were starting to ask me about my bruised inner elbows.

I started getting worried if we would ever be able to try again so I turned to the internet - I looked up topics on babycenter, mayo clinic, all the websites I could think of.  Many women said they’d experienced the same after a miscarriage. Waiting around many weeks for levels to bottom back out. Waiting to be able to try again.

On September 11 my HCG levels were up.



 (to be continued)

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